Crudology sounds a lot like my philosophy I refer to as Crudistics. It is a technique whereby the DIRT used for a turn is managed by certain snow statistics and external factors. What needs to be done is to take a sample of the snow and measure statistics such as temperature, moisture content, density and type of crystallization in order to identify the level of viscosity that the snow will apply to lateral twisting movement of the ski. Otherwise known as MIF (magnitude of internal friction), the higher the viscosity or, MIF, is, the more force must be applied to rotary input at the hips and ankles to overcome the snow’s resistance to displacement and thus a more aggressive representation of DIRT is generated as a recommendation for those patterns. In this case, viscosity = (2 x (ski density – snow density) x g x a^2) ÷ (9 x v), where g = acceleration due to gravity = 9.8 m/s^2, a = radius of ski base, and v = velocity of ski base through snow. Of course, once the viscosity reaches a certain value, the only rotary that can be applied to the ski comes from the ski’s sidecut and all recommended DIRT is recalculated and then slated for ski tipping only. External factors of speed, pitch and ski type are calculated into the formula. I have developed an app that does all the calculations and then recommends music tracks that promote the DIRT needed for that snow. Each value adjustment is recalculated for its logarithmic function 300 times per second. Whether it be fresh flakes, hoarfrost, graupel, polycrystals, or any layered mutations resulting in slab, crust, cement, a vanilla slushy, downtown chicago crack or billy crystal meth, we’ve got you covered. Ability levels then, of course, tend to be determined by what sort of music is being recommended specifically along with which type of drugs the student may be on. Once a student starts receiving recommendations in the death metal/crack ho genre, they will have arrived at the advanced level. Right now I am at the garage punk/skunk level hoping to get to the industrial/acid section this following season. I already have a head start with my blazing orange mirrored goggles and a very bad attitude in the singles line but I suppose a lot of it depends on the weather. I also suggest to people that they not immediately become offended upon receiving country music recommendations. I tell them just to take it as a kick in the pants to get with the program. Classical recommendations usually means an equipment upgrade may be in order. Jazz? No rhythm. The Blues? In the back seat. Funk? PTSD or PMS is coming through in the skiing. Orchestra? A noisy upper (conductor). Trance? Time to make a turn, Dude. Progressive? Better than that plateau you came from. Grunge? Time to change your ski socks. Hard Rock? Doing that sh*t again? Psychedelic Rock? You boarded the wrong gondola. One hit wonder? Sorry, no room for a single. Yes, the app eventually starts making more and more sarcastic fun of the customer until they eventually get that they've been had.